I'm glad I talked to Matt last night about all that has been happening.
He said the only reason why he asked his ex to take him back was because his mother was with him and his Dad told him to do it. His dad told him that he could do better than me. He's not happy that I have 2 kids. Well Matt's ex gave him a week to show who he wanted and he picked me. So I guess it's not all as bad as I thought. But he still should have never asked her to take him back just because of his father.
Matt said he's going to talk to his dad this weekend when his parents get back from their cruise.

I don't work and his father frowns on that too. He doesn't know about my depression and that I recieve SSI for my illness. I can't be around people.........I tend to get hurt when I work. I feel like I need to be in the hospital all the time so no one on the outside of this world can hurt me anymore.
I just hope things get a little better for us.

I feel like shit today.

I know Matt has been lying to me since January. He went and asked his ex g/f to take him back after we had been together for 2mths. I just found that out last Wednesday.
I now feel like 2nd choice because she said no to him and he just settled for me. I don't know what to say to him or how to make him leave, I don't want to feel alone again. I love him but he didn't love til now.

Well Wednesday I found out that Matt has been lying to me about something for the past 7mths that we've been together. I couldn't believe it. My heart just dropped and I didn't know wheather to stay with him or let him go.
I talked to him about all of it and I realize I still love him so much.....How can you just let something go that way?
Things are alright now but I still wonder about the lies that happened. I wish he'd be more honest with me than anything. It's the one thing I need from him so my depression doesn't get bad again. I don't need to be back in a hospital again over a guy.

Got my pap test results back a week ago......
I still have cysts on my cervix. Nurse said it could be just because doctor cut so far back and it just showed up on the test results still. I go back for another pap the end of August. She said by then the cervix should heal all the way and it may be normal.......
if not, then more tests are needed and possible surgery again.
I want kids with Matt so much right now that this is making me so depressed. Some nights I actually cry over it. I guess asking for another baby is like asking for god to give you a miracle. I know I should be patient. It's just so hard when we been trying since day one of being together.

I started selling Avon to add a little to our wedding fund. Maybe by May we will have a perfect wedding. I can't wait to see how wonderful it will be.

I am so darn tired tonight...
Matt and I went up to Bensenville today to take a load of Brewer. I love going out on the semi with him but geeze does it make you want to sleep. Coming home there was an accident over in the north bound of I-55 (we were going south ). A van just sitting on the side of the road with plastic over the driverside window. When we got back to town one of the drivers that Matt knows said a guy was shot in the van. Someone just drove by and shot him.......I couldn't believe it.

I got to see my dad tonight. He drove through with his semi today...headed to Iowa for a load and back to Penn State. He's an over the road driver. I know dad is always tired and Matt works 2am til about 5pm every night so I see how tired he is daily. I feel bad for 'em but I know they like their work.

good night all

My son is officially potty trained and doing so well with it. Kelsie is learning more now for pre-k in the fall.

Matt and I have been talking about our wedding date for next year. Most likely the Saterday before Mother's Day. I have most of everything picked out....his parents are helping us save up for it. Matt told his grandparents yesterday about us getting married. They are excited.

Right now I'm just sitting here listening to music and wishing Matt was home. He's stuck at work for a few more hours cause he had trouble with his truck today.

I had my papsmear done last week and I'm nervous about the resulds. I have to have a test done every 3 months for a year. I just hope all is going well. I don't want anymore surgeries or to lose my uterus. It sucks......I been trying so long to have another child and I feel like it's never going to happen.

Well....enjoy the weather all.

I couldn't believe I woke up this morning and remembered a dream I had...
I was talking to Patrick over the phone. Things started to become different between us.
I don't know why I had that dream but I know I will never see him or hear from him again. I know I don't love him anymore but why does the past haunt me?
Is it because I thought so much of him or just because I can't get over what he did?
I know I've moved on with Matt, and I love Matt so much....I just feel like something bad is about to happen. I don't know if the feeling is towards Patrick or Matt and I.

Matt's out late tonight..working.

I been looking through bride gowns and flower girl dresses...ect. Matt and I decided next year about this time to get married. I like the month of May.

Kelsie is still up and driving me nuts. Michael went to bed 30 mins ago. He has been so good on his pottying. He hasn't wet his pants but 2x's in 4 days.

Well I'm going to bed early. Good night all.

Mother's Day was alright .......
Matt bought me lots of flowers. I love them. My kids got to come home early from being with their dad this weekend which was nice..

I read Patrick's journal still but I never talk to him anymore after I realized he was still lying to me and not benefitting my depression. DOES NOT mean I'm a nut. I have depression because so many people have lied to me in my lifetime and I can't handle it like some people can. I am just one who needs meds.

I think Patrick deserves never to be happy...but.....
I'm just thankful I lived through what he done to me. I almost took my life that day. I asked him once what he would have done if I had actually done it.....he said " step out infront of a truck and kill myself". Sometimes I think if I would have done it......maybe he would have stopped lying to everyone else and realized what it does to people who love him.
all in all...........I'm too happy to worry about his life now.

Last night Brian stayed the night with Matt and me.
We got to visit for once, longer than usual. Matt came home and went straight to bed though. He had a long day yesterday and didn't get home til about 8pm. He works so hard and I appriciate him so much.

Michael enjoyed the zoo yesterday. He ran around at the park afterwards and got to play with all the kids in Pre-K. I got lots of pictures. He did so well on the bus. On the way home, before we even got outta Peoria, he fell asleep in my lap. Slept all the way back to the school.

It's chilly outside so I don't think I'll get too much done out there, but there's plently of chores inside. I hope Matt's home early today. I miss him so much when he's gone.

I'm sick of people that lie to me. Why can't they be honest? I've never lied to Matthew and he's done it to me about 10x's in 5mths.
Nothing major but still, why can't he just be honest?

I guess I'm getting depressed too over not being pregnant yet. I really want to start a family with Matt. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wish things would lighten up a little around here.

Went out on the semi with Matt on Saterday. It was interesting to see what he does all day. I love being with him. I wish I could be all of the time.

My mother still isn't talking to me so I don't know if she ever will again. I don't feel bad for me, but my kids. They will never know their grandma all because of my grandpa messing with me when I was little. Why are things in life so hard?

Well my dad is out in the west on his semi. I don't see him a lot but he calls every other night to check on us.

Casey is doing good. She has to go get shots this week. She's been a good little puppy, very playful and loves a bath.

Michael is back in school and not on his inhaler anymore. I feel better knowing now that he can run around and not get sicker from pneumonia. Kelsie is learning more ........counting and new words. Amazing how ya think they already know it all and something new pops up.

Well back to my daily chores...bye

Last night Matt and I took the kids to get ice cream. We drove down to the Hennepin Canal and walked a ways. Got to see a small waterfall and Michael got scared when we crossed the bridge. He was shaking so bad.
Michael is almost over his pneumonia. He got to go to school today. He's doing good taking his inhaler but he hates the medicine I have to give him.
May 4th his class goes to the zoo. I think he'll enjoy that. He liked Brookfield last yr.

Matt talked to his Mom about marrying me next yr. Shocked me. He said he has my engagement ring already. Exciting!

Well I guess I better clean up the house a little....nothing to do too much today.

Matt decided not to take the farming job. I guess we want to start our own life so bad but we need to wait for the right oppurtunity to come along.

Last night when we got back, my ex calls because my son was sick. He was breathing hard and coughing bad. We took him to the ER in Peru. He was in distress when we got him in. Doctor said it just looks like asthma is setting in. Poor kid is on 3 meds now. Including an inhaler.
Well ontop of Michael being sick, I'm sick today. I hate feeling like this cause I need to take care of him.
Matt's got long hrs today at work. I guess things will go by slow but it'll be alright.

Matt and I going down to Fairview IL this Sunday to see about the general manager job. I'm excited. If he gets it, and takes it......
that means I'm 2 hrs from Brad and he won't be running my life with the kids anymore. He's always telling me how to handle them. GOD I F----ing hate that. I don't tell him how to take care of them when they are on his time.
Well I'm absolutly irrated right now but I'll live.

Brian got out of jail 2 days ago and he's back at the hospital for depression. He has to follow guidelines so he can get probation and not prison time. I know he'll do good. I'm happy that he's out of jail and excited to see him.

Matt might be offered a new job after this weekend. It's for general manager of a farm 2 hrs south of here.......other side of Peoria. I grew up down around the area and I like it there. I'd love to go back. The job includes a good size house on the land, which rent would be free since he'd be working for the guy that owns the land.
I kinda hope he gets this job because it would be a new start in our lives and I wouldn't have to put up with Brad judging me on everything that I do. The kids would still see their dad on weekends. Which I think is good.
So I hope all goes the way God wants it too.

Well here's my life the past 2 days....
Yesterday Matt and I went to his parents for Easter dinner. His grandparents were there too. Kinda nice. Kids were at their dads for 3 days and we got them back last night. We had gifts for them when we got home which they enjoyed.

Today has been a rough one......
Matt's dad is upset with him because he's paying 1/2 the bills for me. He lives here just as I do so what does it hurt?
His dad said it's my problem to pay my bills, not Matt's. Although I haven't heard it from his dad I know he don't want Matt helping me out so much. It makes me feel bad. Matt and I want to be together but sometimes I don't feel like his dad wants us to be. His mom on the other hand is rather nice. I love his grandparents too....and their little dog Pierce.
I guess I'll never know why his dad feels like this but Matthew and I are happy to be together. We actually love taking care of the other one.

Bad weather is here....
Matt and I walked around the block tonight and sat out back watching the lighting a while.....It was kinda nice just to lay on a sheet in the grass and hold one another.
Well off to bed now...good night all.

I am so very sleepy today. I took my medicine early last night and Matt and I went out.....I could have fallen over in the middle of Wal-Mart while shopping. That's how bad it was. Today it doesn't feel like anything is out of my system. O well. I guess I'll sleep good tonight.

Matt's called me 3x's today just to say I love you. He's so sweet and I never realized it this much til a few weeks ago. He's starting to grow on me a lot.
His parents should be home from Las Vegas tonight so we'll probably go over to visit............maybe get the kids ice cream again.

My friend Brian that's in jail has is final trial tomorrow. No telling how that will go but we will wait and see. I mean, he did commit arson and that was bad....but he wasn't right in the head at the time because he wanted to die. I feel bad for him. I just hope things go well for him tomorrow.

My mother still isn't talking to me after a month. I don't get it....
We had a conversation last month about Kelsie going down to Missouri with my mom to visit my grandparents. I told mom just to keep an eye on Kelsie. Grandpa messed with me when I was 3-7 yrs old and I don't want the same things happening to my children. My mother never faced her dad and asked him about what he done to me........that makes me sick. Well, I worried about Kelsie going to visit and mom told me I shouldn't worry about something that happened over 20 yrs ago. Go figure. I mean, why shouldn't I worry? this is my daughter.
Well she don't want to call to check on the kids or anything then so be it.......they are my number one priority.

Matthew came home yesterday after work and brought me roses......
how sweet!
First time he's done it in the 5 months that we been together. We took the kids out last night for ice cream and let them look at the river and boats a while ......came home and burned leaves and got them their baths and off to bed. Matt was so happy yesterday. He held me tight all night. I can't believe the past 2 weeks how much I have fallen in love with him........and him alone. It feels wonderful.